The New James Bond Would Be On His 7th Booster

On His Majesty's Secret Service

Bond has gone from this

To this

To be fair, M did call him a sexist, misogynist dinosaur, a relic of the Cold War, so I’m surprised he hadn’t been sent on a MI6 diversity awareness course already by now.

It was always on the cards but Bond has swapped his Martini (shaken, not stirred) for a Bud light and turned well and truly woke.

The latest Bond adventure is called ‘On His Majesty’s Secret Service’ and is written by Charlie Higson.

Charlie used to be a funny guy. He started writing for Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse in the ‘90s and performed in sketch shows such as the ‘Fast Show’.

He then turned his hand to writing a series of Young Bond books which apparently have been very successful. But now, as so often happens to the London liberal elite, he has become out of touch with the common folk, probably egged on by North London dinner parties moaning about Trump and Brexit.

If this synopsis from the Telegraph doesn’t make you want to read the book then I don’t know what will!

On His Majesty’s Secret Service, a new James Bond adventure by Charlie Higson dashed off to celebrate the Coronation, begins with M giving voice to what we’re all anxiously thinking. “This coronation is a chance to advertise UKplc to the world, Bond. Show the doubters who’ve written us off that we’re open for business… Present this country as a safe pair of hands.”

So Bond’s first mission on His Majesty’s Secret Service is… to wipe out Ant and Dec if they start misbehaving in Westminster Abbey? No: it’s to bring down a supervillain plotting to do something worse to the King on May 6 than put itching powder in his supertunica, as well as sponsoring a series of outrages across London that “will make the [US] Capitol riots look like Aunt Fanny’s tea party”.

The villain in question is the self-styled “Æthelstan of Wessex”, who claims direct descent from Alfred the Great and thinks he has more of a right to the English throne than “King Charles the Woke” – that shill for all the foreign elites who have kept the true English downtrodden since the Norman Conquest.

007 thus goes undercover at a remote Hungarian castle, where a cabal of failed Right-wing politicians, disaffected aristocrats and populist rabble-rousers from EDL-style organisations are meeting to receive their orders from Æthelstan. Once upon a time, Ian Fleming’s Bond, who used to go on about how tea-drinkers were responsible for losing control of the British Empire, might have been tempted to join them. But this is a modern Bond, who eats kimchi for the good of his gut, and looks down on knee-jerk nationalism.

How about some excerpts from the book itself to whet your appetite.

Of all the strange things Bond has seen in his life, a function exclusively full of men topped the list. Of all the villains in the world, the woke go with one who isn’t concerned about whether half of the people he’d hired were women, non-white or disabled.

RIP Bond.