How to insult like Shakespeare

And the original 'Yo Mama' joke.

Global warming is currently drowning the UK in cold, persistent rain. Many people have even turned on their heating…in July…outrageous! This evening, I attended the most British version of one of Shakespeare’s plays that you can imagine. It was an outdoor performance and for over two hours the audience sat with their brollys up, getting more and more drenched, channelling their war-time ‘mustn’t grumble’ spirit (ok maybe it wasn’t quite as bad as the war). At the same time, the cast channelled their ‘keep calm and carry on’ spirit as the heavens opened up and performed fantastically. Sitting outdoors in nature, watching actors literally trying not to break a leg on the slippery stage, whilst the audience shivered away with their cups of tea and soggy fish and chips, made me strangely proud to be British!

To commemorate a successful performance, no broken legs and nobody in hospital with hypothermia, I thought I’d take a look at some of Shakespeare’s comedy insults.

(And no I’m not talking about William Shakespeare, the first man in the world to receive a Covid vaccine - all the world really is a stage)

I’ll start off with maybe the world’s first ‘Yo Mama’ joke from Titus Andronicus:

• Demetrius - Villain, what hast thou done?

• Aaron - That which thou canst not undo.

• Chiron - Thou hast undone our mother.

• Aaron - Villain, I have done thy mother.

Some other classics:

• Thou art as fat as butter - Henry IV, Part 1

• I do desire we may be better strangers - As You Like It

• Thou art a boil, a plague sore, an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood - King Lear

• Thine face is not worth sunburning - Henry V

• This kiss is as comfortless as frozen water to a starved snake - Titus Andronicus

• Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage - As You Like It

• Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon - Timon of Athens

• Thou lump of foul deformity - Richard III

• Thou cream-faced loon - Macbeth

• Methinks thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee - All’s Well That Ends Well

• The rankest compound of villainous smell that ever offended nostril - The Merry Wives of Windsor

• Thy tongue outvenoms all the worms of Nile - Cymbeline

• You are as a candle, the better burnt out - Henry IV, Part 2

• You have such a February face, so full of frost, of storm and cloudiness - Much Ado About Nothing

• You, minion, are too saucy - The Two Gentleman of Verona

• Thou whoreson zed; thou unnecessary letter! - King Lear

• I am sick when I do look on thee - A Midsummer Night’s Dream

• Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch - King Lear

• Thou art a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality - All’s Well That Ends Well

• He has not so much brain as ear-wax - Troilus and Cressida

• Not Hercules could have knocked out his brains, for he had none - Cymbeline

• Let’s meet as little as we can - As You Like It

They don’t make ‘em like they used to!